analysis of thyself

Earlier tonight I posted a comment on Chris Leon's blog regarding censorship.

A few things went through my mind shortly afterwards--were my comments made in haste? Would my comments be perceived with the emotion of calm and tactful or as someone whose blood is boiling? Was I looking for any justification in myself through my comments? Or was I simply conveying the greater philosophy of not jumping to conclusions? Did I make inappropriate use of HIS blog to give him a hard time? Could I have done that from my own blog?

Hindsight is 20/20.

I think my comments were made in haste, I guess sometimes I get frustrated with continuing to see negativity and selfishness among bloggers and commentors in blogspace. It's like, I just want to scream "GROW UP, PEOPLE!!" So, I admit that I made that comment while my blood was boiling abit, mostly because I felt that in defense of DeafRead--they're doing the best they can. DeafRead is so new, that the editors are learning every step of the way. In my earlier posting, I said, "Progress, not perfection". Give credit to progress, for no one can be perfect. There's mistakes to be made every step of the way. I could have taken a moment to step back and crafted a more calm response, and posted it on my blog so as not to stomp on his blog. Would I feel if someone came to my place and started giving me grief? I wouldn't like it. So, if I have a gripe about someone, I will do it from my blog from now on. It's just a gesture of respect. People are entitled to whatever they want to say, but at least say it from their blog. I'll say what I want to say from mine. It's my space. My platform.

Self-justification or conveyance of philosophy? I'd say it's conveyance of philosophy. Sometimes people can be selfish and negative that they just want to rain on other people's parades. And they do it because unconsciously they like the attention, and they feel justified in raising the gripe. If we, as a Deaf Nation as a whole, are trying to use our blogsphere to unite in betterment of our community and our lives by sharing our stories and experiences, why must there be people who will come in and be negative and do out right the opposite of what we are trying to achieve? The world does not owe you anything, and the world definitely doesn't revolve around you, and you definitely won't gain satisfaction in finding justification of your own agenda if it stems from your selfishness. As a collective whole, interdependence is the key word. We need to depend on, learn from, and support each other. Only then with that kind of unity will a group of people achieve a goal. It's called teamwork. I call it, harmony.

There's something I learned last year. Seeking justification of self in such that way that "I'm right, you're wrong!" doesn't work. "You discriminated against me because I'm deaf! You're wrong! I hope you pay! I'll sue you with the ADA!" and so on. Simply, "I'm right, you're wrong!" Understandably it's easy to feel that you're entitled to justice, or some form of payback. We WANT to hurt people to displace all the hurt that we experienced in the past. Displacement. We believe that we are justified when we make other people feel bad because we're right and that we've been hurt before.

So what does this mean?

There's a lot of anger to go around the world a few times. I'll bet you that. And many of us don't realize that we have anger inside us, we carry it everyday on our shoulder or somewhere deep down in our souls. Our bodies and souls are like a bottle. Whatever goes in, has to come out the same way it came back in. There's no exit. It's like a cul-de-sac. Gotta turn around and go back out. But the problem is, people don't know how to get the anger out. Once the anger settles in, and stays in.. it becomes toxic. And you know what toxic crap does.. it seeps into the blood, the muscles, bones...it literally becomes poison and that's how we get cancer. I'm speaking analogous--anger itself is the toxin. Our smiles disappear and we become guarded. Our aura darkens, and we walk with ill. No longer do we feel like we are blessed, but we carry the weight of the past. And we choose to. That anger needs to come out. We need that thorn removed so we can finally be free.

Forgiveness is the antidote. Not hurting others.

Take a moment each day to think of something that you love about being Deaf--whether it be the beauty of ASL, or remembering something that happened that made you feel great and proud to be Deaf.. cherish that.

For me, I think about my friends in DC who can wield ASL beautifully in their storytelling. I cherish the camaraderie and the genuine friendships that come with being so close in the deaf community. I cherish all those little "reunions" where every couple of years or so there's an event that brings together all sorts of folks from across the country and it's like a little reunion of sorts. Like Gabe Leung's wedding in San Francisco in 2005, Dave and Melissa Huber's wedding in Laguna Beach, a couple weeks at Gallaudet for the Leadership Institute, etc. Those fixes made me feel great for a while afterwards. Needed that "deafie fix".

And that's why I'm going to the DeafRead conference this weekend. I know I'll get that fix.

BF